he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Someone came in the potted fern
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
