i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Can vaginas get frostbite?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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