I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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