I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
