I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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