I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
