I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
