I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
