I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
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