Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
