That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
