Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Swine flu is the new snow day.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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