I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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