i think my mom watched the whole time
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
