so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize