I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
