whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
