You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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