so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
