Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
