and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
