I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
