I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
