When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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