can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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