is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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