Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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