His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
