then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
