I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Randomize
