did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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