need another drink. this is the easiest way
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
