I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
The adults are the big ones right?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
