dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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