just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
