No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
