Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
