Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
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