i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
