I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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