so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
