Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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