The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
