wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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