Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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