i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
