hotel room ftw
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
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