I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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