MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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