I think I won the penis lottery.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
