What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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